Wednesday, August 18, 2010

This is Either Brains or Madness*

In the last little while, I've either discovered, or been told about some awesome races that I'm really considering actually doing sometime...

Metro Dash -

In addition to a stair climb equivalent to climbing a 15-story building...

Warrior Dash -

- I think it's awesome that you get a viking hat when you sign up for this race.

Tough Mudder -

Thankfully, they've provided a 'get tough' training list:

Training for Tough Mudder isn’t like getting ready for a triathlon, marathon, or anything else you’ve ever tried. To get ready for this grueling, one day gauntlet, you’ll have to train a bit differently.

A general tip

We suggest starting off each day taking cold, freezing showers to prepare for the icey water and mud you’ll have to wade through from start to glorious finish.

After your shower, look at yourself in the mirror. Punch yourself in the mouth. This works on two levels: the first is that you get used to pain. The second is that girls love wounds.

Then say your mantra. Every extreme mudder should have a phrase that gets them motivated. Dave Berger taught us, “Every man dies. Not every man really lives!” Yours can be whatever you want, as long as it gives you the right feeling (get your mind out of the gutter.)

Nutrition: What you put in your body has a direct effect on how you preform on May 2nd – mentally and physically. We recommend a meal of raw baby cow, preferably one you found and wrassled yourself (for city dwellers, any form of rodent, bird, or next door neighbor will do.) For dessert, snort two lines of protein powder and call it a day.

Try starting off each day with a vodka-infused wheatgrass shake before you head off for a run. Wheatgrass makes you fit. Vodka makes you tough.


THE FIRE CROTCH To replicate the burning conditions of our ring of fire, cover the inside of your pants with cayenne pepper for a 5k run through the park.
Alternate: Put tigerbalm in your eyes. Stare at the sun.


THE BULLOCKS Strap some steaks to your legs and take a run through Michael Vick’s dogpound.
Alternate: Strap some pill bottles to your legs and take a run through Lindsay Lohan’s house.


EMPIRE STATE OF MIND Since you’ll have to get used to jumping from tall places, practice jumping off buildings or moving cars the next time you take a drive.
Alternate: Make a bungee cord out of Tough Mudder armbands, band-aids, and your ex girlfriend’s underwear. Tie to a tree. Go nuts.


MAN OF STEEL Mental toughness is key – take twice the recommended dosage of viagra with your morning coffee and leave at days end without getting fired from work for sexual harassment.
Alternate: Take six shots of Jameson, and go through every number in your phone without calling or texting anyone – including hot and desperate people who may have given you their numbers last weekend.

Or, if you decide you just want to 'get fit' - they've prepared for that too.

*because I love that movie line, you get about a trillion points if you name the movie


Katie Rod said...

So, I've heard the Metro Dash is crazy, but I bet the Tough Mudder is the craziest. A friend and I are actually planning on doing the Warrior Dash (here in Austin it's around Thanksgiving), so that should be fun, right??? I think we will be skipping the post-race party where everyone gets free beer...hum, no thanks! But I do want that warrior hat.

Genevieve Beck said...

This one isn't anywhere near as insane as the Tough Mudder, but I read about one called the Dipsea race and it is gorgeous, hard, and kind of funny how unconventional it is.

eden said...

katie, i think that's awesome that you're doing the warrior dash! and i want to see a picture of you in the hat. (:

genev, i checked out the dipsea race and that looks pretty fun too.

so many great ideas out there!