BOUNDARIES
It's something I've struggled with for... my life. Setting good boundaries. My mom has a book in progress about the need to set good and safe boundaries for yourself and with other people so you don't get overused and then upset about how you're being overused.
I was able to hear her give a speech on boundaries last year at the "Office Professionals... whatever Conference" for my job.
While listening to it I kept thinking, "me... me... me..." and these weren't good things that I was applying to myself. It was all about not having appropriate boundaries.
The reason for this post is that in my personal "fun" reading, I came across the following:
"Playing the part of a charitable soul was only for those who were afraid of taking a stand in life. It is always far easier to have faith in your own goodness than to confront others and fight for your rights."
Then it continues:
"It is always easier to hear an insult and not retaliate than have the courage to fight back against someone stronger than yourself; we can always say we're not hurt by the stones others throw at us, and it's only at night - when we're alone and our wife or our husband or our school friend is asleep - that we can silently grieve over our own cowardice."
The Devil and Miss Prym, Paulo Coelho, p. 44 (emphasis added)
After I read that, I realized - I'm the coward. I hate confrontation and tend to avoid it like the plague. Even if I know I'm being taken advantage of I'm much more likely to roll over and do what's asked - no, demanded - of me than to stand up for myself.
Pathetic, isn't it?
I love smart people.
It's something I've struggled with for... my life. Setting good boundaries. My mom has a book in progress about the need to set good and safe boundaries for yourself and with other people so you don't get overused and then upset about how you're being overused.
That's it in a (very small) nutshell. There's more that goes with it.
I was able to hear her give a speech on boundaries last year at the "Office Professionals... whatever Conference" for my job.
While listening to it I kept thinking, "me... me... me..." and these weren't good things that I was applying to myself. It was all about not having appropriate boundaries.
I let people take advantage of me. I don't like being seen as the "bad guy" so if someone asks me for a favor or anything that could slightly fall in that category... if there is any possible way for me to do it, I'll say yes. Even if it means bending over backwards while tying my shoes and walking on my hands and balancing on my head. Impossible, right? Just let me try it, and I'll show you that it can be done.
Of course, I may end up resentful of you for asking me to do it, and even more resentful of me for not being able to say no and set my own boundary in order to protect myself, but I'll get it done.
The reason for this post is that in my personal "fun" reading, I came across the following:
"Playing the part of a charitable soul was only for those who were afraid of taking a stand in life. It is always far easier to have faith in your own goodness than to confront others and fight for your rights."
Then it continues:
"It is always easier to hear an insult and not retaliate than have the courage to fight back against someone stronger than yourself; we can always say we're not hurt by the stones others throw at us, and it's only at night - when we're alone and our wife or our husband or our school friend is asleep - that we can silently grieve over our own cowardice."
The Devil and Miss Prym, Paulo Coelho, p. 44 (emphasis added)
After I read that, I realized - I'm the coward. I hate confrontation and tend to avoid it like the plague. Even if I know I'm being taken advantage of I'm much more likely to roll over and do what's asked - no, demanded - of me than to stand up for myself.
Pathetic, isn't it?
This has really given me something to (continue) thinking about.
I love smart people.
3 comments:
But HOW to not?
That seems the toughest question.
I love that you went to a movie by yourself. (I went to one by myself a few years ago, but it was about a crazy person so it made me feel CRAZY.) That seems courageous to me. And maybe it's in another category, but it sounds like you're working on courage in general. Your blog makes it seem (to me) that you're doing brave things all the time.
I agree...do you have any specific things that you ARE doing to NOT be trampled over...I find myself in the same predicament more often than I would like to admit.
Any advice on facing the bully and finding courage to say no?
Right on. It's easy (at least for me) to be upset with people for not respecting boundaries that I never set in the first place. If you've got any tips about how to set them better, let me know.
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